Thirteen years ago today, at this moment, motherhood was descending over my heart. It was like walking into an old country home and watching the dust settle into the beams of light, smelling the wood floors and wishing you could throw down a quilt and stay for awhile. It was the kind of peace you feel at dusk after a long day outdoors when you've sucked the day's beauty dry, and you know you'll go to bed soon without any regrets. It was something that you can't quite take in because it takes you in first, and when it takes you in it marks your soul forever.
My Florida girl was born in Sarasota at 4:44 am and signs of her perfection were already apparent, from the 6 short hours she kept me in labor, to her agpar score, to the ease with which she began to nurse. Her first moments predicated the rest of her sweet life. As I read through some letters I wrote to her when she was young, I came across stories such as a three year old Lydia patting my back and telling me I was special. There were funny stories....like when she told me she liked me the best because I had nice hair. As I read through the letters I thought about the present, and how this same sweet pea tried to buy me expensive makeup with her birthday money (which I didn't let her do btw).
There was no mistake in her coming into this world, and it was no mistake that I became her mother. Of course, being single and pregnant, I thought through options like adoption, and I knew there were good options but for me...for this child...it was right for me to raise her. In honor of her birthday I thought I would share one of the notes I wrote her when she was a baby. I could say every word of this to her today and it would all be just as true as it was in October of 1997.
To my precious little girl,
I have loved you since before I even knew you - since I felt your little kicks and jabs inside of me. I loved you when I was 7 weeks pregnant and heard your heartbeat in my doctor's office. I fell asleep at night thinking about what you would look like and picturing all of the times we would have together. The highlight of my life during those months was going to the doctor so I could hear your heart beating.
Now you are 2 weeks and 2 days old and are sleeping in my bed with one little arm thrown over your face. You are above and beyond everything I hoped you would be. I love you, Lydia.